December 8 Outdoor Column

The following column appeared in the December 8, 2007, issue of The Morning Sun in Pittsburg, Kan.

Have you ever noticed how your "friends" always seem to have impeccable timing when it comes to sharing their good fortune with you? I have many "friends" who share similar passions (okay, obsessions) when it comes to their endeavors in the outdoors.

Often, we echo the mechanics of a child's see-saw - when one is down the other is up. Balance is achieved. For those of you who have yet to appreciate the sweet aroma of my freshly baked sarcasm, allow me to enlighten you with a few examples of how my "friends" strive to achieve that well-balanced harmony that is the luck of the outdoorsman.

One day this past November as I peered out from my office window into a sunny, 78-degree "autumn" day, my ringing telephone brought me back to a semblance of reality. It was none other than my good "friend" and fellow wildlife biologist Chris Miller, of course, calling all the way from his cozy, wood stove-warmed log cabin outside of Columbus, Mont.

"Hey buddy, what's going on in Kansas?"

"Well, I'm just?" I began just as he cut off my statement with the razor-sharp precision of a Ninja.

"Man, it has been snowing here all day and I barely made it home with the help of my snow chains," said Miller. "I did swing by the Yellowstone River on my way home, though, and boy was one guy really catching the dickens out of three to five pound rainbows on his fly rod..." "and you should have seen the mallards funneling into that oxbow in the river that lies next to my property," he excitedly stated, his volume increasing exponentially as he dug his virtual knife deeper into my back.

"It is really too bad that this darn elbow surgery is keeping me from shouldering my shotgun or I would have two deep freezes filled with corn-fed mallards and fresh rainbow trout," he continued.

Six minutes and 28 seconds into the conversation I had yet to utter more than a mumbled greeting. The vivid picture I had created in my mind of my bare hands slowly grasping his neck began to fade as I composed myself for my stoic retort.

"So, give me a report on those mallards in Kansas, man, why keep me on pins and needles," he said.

Finally, I wedged one sentence in. "It is 78 degrees, the sun is shining, there is not a breath of wind, and the only duck I have seen is a pure white one the size of a small pig at Lakeside Park where I took the boys to hand out bread." In a spiteful hang-up, I told him his invite for a spring turkey hunt in Kansas is now off the table, as is any chance of my picking him up at the Little Rock airport on my way to our duck hunt in Stuttgart.

Ten minutes later an e-mail popped up from another "good friend," Jim Gregory from Houston. The subject line read, "Heck of a Hunt," and I could see by that annoying digital paper clip that there were photos enclosed, as well.

"Dude, you should have been down on the coast with us last weekend," was Jim's first line. "Six of us shot limits of teal, redheads, gadwalls, and even a few early pintails in a matter of minutes..." "check out these photos," he continued to boast.

"We had so many ducks around that we each took turns taking one shot apiece and we still shot our limits too fast."

I wrote back: "Dear Jim, I wouldn't give a bucket of horse apples for your tiny teal, fishy redheads, greasy gadwalls, or those pitiful excuses for pintail. Call Miller and maybe you can catch a ride in his Enterprise rental car at the Little Rock airport. Best regards, Your 'Friend,' Brad."

Truth be told, there are few other people with whom I would like to share a duck blind with that Chris and Jim. There is literally nothing they wouldn't do for me, and vice versa.

Still, if I have to hear one more "You ought to be here" story, may an ice pick poke one thousand holes in their waders!

December Ducks

Dec. 2, temp in 40's, north wind 10-20mph, afternoon hunt: hunted from the duck boat in pool 1 at Neosho Wildlife Area east of "the hedgerow." Parked in the hedgerow. Saw lots of mallards but they were working the northeast end of the pool more. Zero harvest.

Dec. 7, temp dropping into the upper 30's, north wind 10-20mph, afternoon hunt with Kansas Farm Bureau district administrator Ron Betzen: hunted east of "the hedgerow" in pool 1 off of a mound. Mallards worked the northwest section of pool 1 in and around the hedgerows and hardwoods near the "private blind." Zero harvest. We're establishing a pattern here!