November 18 Outdoor Column

The following column appeared in the November 18 edition of The Morning Sun in Pittsburg Kansas.
Many who read my wife's outdoor column have heard her pontificate on my affection for waterfowl hunting shows. Near or far, you won't find any place else a neurotic duck hunter can experience a hunt in his underwear while sitting in a La-Z-Boy eating a bowl of cereal.

The trouble arises, however, when one conducts a careful analysis of typical waterfowl hunting shows as compared to actual waterfowl hunting.

Allow me, if you will, to describe a scene from a typical waterfowl hunting show one can purchase from any area Wal-Mart or online through a variety of sources. The shows begin with about 20 minutes of infomercials from sponsors of products that the average sucker does not need, nor would be able to afford.

The hunts on typical waterfowl hunting shows generally occur in private ""hot spots"" the average duck hunter would never be allowed to hunt and feature highly trained, multi-lingual Labrador retrievers that always behave themselves and never lick unmentionable body parts. At least, not on camera.

The human stars of typical waterfowl hunting shows usually look like they just stepped from a page in Field & Stream Magazine and not one ever has a torn crotch in his hunting pants nor yesterday's stubble on his chin.

During their hunt they enjoy tasty, filling breakfasts you can almost smell through the television, all effortlessly prepared from the comfort of their fully stocked duck blind kitchens complete with stainless steel appliances.

When they are done with their hunts, they usually return to a scenic lodge where they enjoy glasses of wine by a stone fireplace or on a verandah while waiting for someone else to clean and prepare their ducks for supper.

Many a morning have a particular hunting partner and I proclaimed on our duck blind soapbox, "I'd like those TV stars to come on a duck hunt with us and experience the REAL world."

So, with reality TV being the rage now, my hunting partner and I have created the ultimate reality waterfowl hunting show. It goes a little something like thisŠ

Act 1, Scene 1

The camera pans to capture The Average Hunters being dropped off in the middle of a public hunting marsh on opening day of the 2006-2007 Kansas duck season. The Average Hunters have two sacks of duck decoys, their guns and a Labrador retriever named "Ace" who is peeing on another hunter's boots while he eats their leftover donuts.

Act 1, Scene 2

After being yelled at by 50 other hunters for trying to steal their spots, The Average Hunters finally find a place to hunt that is three miles from their vehicle. One is attempting to fix a hole in his chest waders by wrapping black electrical tape around the fabric, while his partner sets all the decoys and tries to locate the trusty Labrador retriever by triangulating the sounds of loud expletives from other hunters across the marsh.

Act 2, Scene 1

As legal shooting time approaches, the symphony of duck calls begins, waterfowl are everywhere, and Average Hunter Number One's gun jams just as a flock of greenheads fly over. He issues loud expletives, which the trusty Labrador - finally positioned where he ought to be - takes personally and decides to bolt.

Act 2, Scene 2

For the next three and a half hours, not one other flock of waterfowl comes within two miles of the Average Hunters' spot, but they hear plenty of shots fired from other hunters off in the distance. They return home, cold, hungry and tired, with one hen gadwall to show for themselves, which Average Hunter Number Two's wife isn't going to let come within 100 yards of her kitchen, and it isn't enough for a batch of duck poppers anyway.

Somebody call Hollywood. I think we're on to something here.