December 16 Outdoor Column

The following column appeared in the December 16 edition of The Morning Sun in Pittsburg Kansas.

A Waterfowler's Guide to Gear

At this festive time of year, wives may wish to browse the aisles of local sporting goods stores on a hunt for the perfect gift for the waterfowler who may already have everything, they think. Take heed: Shop not one minute more until you have read this.

My official recommendation for Christmas 2006 is an L.L. Bean Macinac coat in the brightest, most obnoxious color of Blaze Orange you can find. The rationale behind this, of course, is that you will keep your waterfowler toasty warm while he scares every duck this side of Alberta toward my hunting spotŠwhich is perfectly camouflaged with the latest camo pattern.

Now here is where you can really shine in the bloodshot eyes of your special waterfowler. Chest waders can make a good hunt great or a bad hunt, well, let's just say a "colorful" experience.

My official recommendation for Christmas 2006 would be a pair of the finest neoprene chest waders. Neoprene's insulating properties set the gold standard for warmth and comfort in the coldest of duck blinds.

I heartily recommend, however, that rather than spend your hard-earned money, go for a pair of waders that are a bit cheaper so you're not too strapped this holiday season. They're likely to spring a leak, or accidentally tear when you're wrapping them, but don't worry. Just patch them quickly with some masking tape and reassure your waterfowler all is well.

Then, when your waterfowler has that great spot and mallards winging in by the hundreds, it's a sure bet a chilling sensation will hug his warm body and he'll feel the need to get the heck out of there post haste. I may now move into that great spot at my leisure and enjoy another crisp day afield with greenheads swarming like flies to a summertime barbeque.

Duck Call

I am a connoisseur of duck calls, so I feel qualified to say that for Christmas 2006 you will want to choose only the finest handmade duck call for your one and only waterfowler. Look no further than Rich-N-Tone Calls Inc. in Stuttgart, Ark.

The boys at Rich-N-Tone have lied about shooting more ducks than the average waterfowler will ever see. They walk and talk duck, period.

However, you will need to modify your handmade duck call after it arrives to ensure the sound so closely mimics a fat and happy mallard that it fools even the large white goose at your local city park.

First, give the call to a 1-year-old child for about a week. Only after teething, substituting as a pacifier, and being used to blow loud quacks from the back seat will that rich patina of a duck call be suitable.

Complete the process by removing the reed from the call and replacing it with one from say, your 20-year-old clarinet that has been stowed in your attic since high school. Now when your very own Sinatra of the Swamp belts out those sour, paltry notes, they will make even my poor calling sound good and those greenheads will head my way instead.

Well, there you have it, all the tips to land you in the catbird seat with your waterfowl enthusiast this holiday season. And if you don't know a waterfowler, consider yourself lucky.

Brad Stefanoni is a lifelong waterfowler and southeast Kansas resident. He can be reached at aldo1674@yahoo.com